Poetry by Tonia
ALOOF
ALOOF
Tonia Pinheiro ©1997 rev.2004
I want unlimited, continuous time
to have the edges of my armor traced,
the body of my armor kneaded, needed,
softened and embraced until it slips away;
to have my heart bathed in tender healing,
to have my spirit drawn forth in splendor,
and to do the same for you.
But I’m afraid to touch you too much,
or to touch too much of you,
or to feel your touch too much.
Afraid I may be absorbed, extinguished;
That saturation will be complete
and I will be lost,
drowned in the sea, see?
of your presence and presents.
Afraid to offer myself fully.
Afraid I cannot have all of you.
Afraid you will reject me.
Afraid I might overwhelm your senses,
and violate your tenderness.
Even worse, I am afraid you will want me,
accept me, and love me – all of me –
Which will overwhelm my senses,
and tear down my castle fortress
exposing the fragile love it protects.
So I live in the tower and create a dam
too high for you to penetrate or over flow.
Aloof. On the roof. Looking down upon you.
I can’t find the exit but I am safe.
Aloof Too
ALOOF TOO
Tonia Pinheiro © 2001 rev.2005
Here I am
in the midst of despair
and conflicting emotions
seeping out like water through the cracks of a dam
pushing against the wall of my terror
opening up cracks in my armor
Not wanting to let anyone see
that I am ready for the dam to burst forth
with all of the pent up emotion and pain
that no one ever could hear.
Here I am, aloof to the world
No one knows what is swirling and raging
within this friendly façade.
I have to let go soon.
Let go of all of the falseness.
Let go of all the beliefs
that made me who I was,
and who I lost.
Cracks in the armor.
Rust being chipped away.
Little drops of blood.
Little streaks of tears.
I am ready
and wonder what will happen?
Will I still be able to work each day?
Or will I have a melt down
and need to stay away
hide away, sleep away
this next transformation,
shifting of shape – transition to wholeness.
My body is in rapt anticipation
of what is about to occur.
I don’t know what to expect –
but I’m ready. Aloof too,
so no one will know that
the real me slipped in. . . quietly, unannounced.
Soft Surprise
Soft Surprise
Tonia Pinheiro © 2005
I saw you come in
late and lanky.
You put down your bag,
stripped off your coat,
picked up a chair and
passed the nearest obvious space
to join the circle next to me.
Then, leaning over swift and bold
one hand on the back of my chair
the other on my chin
you kissed me long
then you kissed me again,
the soft fullness of your lips on mine
a serious kiss, deliberate.
One, two, long, longer, sure, surely
you wanted me to know
this was a kiss, one times two,
that said you meant to kiss me,
and in this moment of arrival
I am the one you choose.
Your lips said, I know you, I want you
and I feel safe getting a quick hit
of tenderness before I sit down.
I reached up to touch your face.
I wanted to be alone with you
and really kiss you until we were done.
But the circle was full of people
and I had to hide my desire
beneath your soft lips
and fall of hair.
Wing Man
Wing Man
Tonia Pinheiro © 2005
I am wrapped in your wings, full and strong.
Your words become each feather that forms
the great and powerful instruments of flight
that express the myriad experiences of a soul
drawn down into humanity
– both voluntarily and reluctantly –
to finish the work and give the gifts
of what you have achieved.
So, you remain connected to the realm
from which the security of oneness
and the freedom of expression
are unhampered
by the dense and muddied filters
formed by human thought forms
and emotional debris
to which we are subjected
as we navigate our way back Home.
Free the Savior
FREE THE SAVIOR
Tonia Pinheiro © 2005
I REMOVE MYSELF FROM THE ROLE OF SAVIOR
I LAY THIS BURDEN DOWN
I NO LONGER HAVE THE NEED TO SAVE ANOTHER
I CAST OFF THE CLOAK OF THE CLOWN
THAT ROLE HAS TURNED SO SOUR
YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED BY HOURS
THE TIME SOON COMES
TO BE ON YOUR OWN
I AM SORRY FOR KEEPING YOU
IN JAIL SO LONG
AS THE ONE WHO MUST BE SAVED.
A MIND GAME I PLAYED WITHOUT KNOWING
TO TAKE ON THE ROLE OF THE SAVIOR
TO CREATE THE PLAY OF EXPERIENCE
THERE IS ONE WHO MUST ALWAYS BE SAVED
THERE IS NO SAVIOR
THERE IS ONLY PERCEPTION
THERE IS NO OTHER
THERE IS ONLY THE SELF
THERE IS NO ONE TO SAVE
THERE IS ONLY PERCEPTION
THAT CREATES THIS WORLD OF MYSELF
IF ALL ARE SAVED AND FREE
THE SAVIOR DOES NOT NEED TO BE
IF ALL ARE SAVED AND FREE
THAT ALSO INCLUDES ME
I BREAK THE VOW TO SAVE YOU
THAT WAS MADE WHEN I WAS THREE
TO LIFT YOU UP WOULD LIFT ME UP
TO SEE YOU THRIVE WOULD FREE ME
AND KEEP ME FROM THE FEELINGS
AND THE PAIN AND THE MADNESS
OF FEAR AND BETRAYAL AND TRAUMA
FROM WHICH I SO DESIRED TO BE SAVED
I CALL THAT VOW COMPLETED NOW
SO THAT WE MAY BOTH BE FREE
AND SAFE, AND SAVED.
THE DAY HAS NOW ARRIVED
IT IS PRESENT HERE AND NOW
THE TIME HAS COME
TO SET US FREE
TO LET OUR PEOPLE BE.
Mother Tongue
MOTHER TONGUE
Tonia Pinheiro © 2005
Speaking to me in our mother tongue
triggers recognition of soul lineage codes.
Artfully articulated ten dollar words
strung together in ways
that repeatedly fill my lonely mind
like a well formed phallus
inside a fully expectant womb.
We know yet don’t know from where we’ve come.
How odd that now we can be in each other’s presence
and before ‘give-ness’ we could not.
We’ve played hide and seek with each other
like foreplay gone too terribly long
and the joining we must have now or die
is the union of hearts, minds, and songs
long since familiar and re-membered.
So when the right words and notes are sung
and played in their proper sequence
the code is unlocked, and locked in,
for the next ascensional phase shift.
We are gently released from our inadvertent isolation
and, simultaneously freed, we stand,
float and tremble in each other’s presence.
We gratefully melt into puddles of cosmic witchy goo.
Trust comes easily now because I am you, we are us, and
neither will let the other drown or drift away.
